If you've been teaching preschool for a while you have surely come across this phrase being wielded by a young child. Yes, wielded, like a sharp tool. This commonly heard phrase endures precisely because it is powerful.
If you are hearing this phrase for the first time it may trigger a strong reaction in you. You may think that the child who said it needs a lesson on inclusivity. After all, ALL should be welcome, right?
To jump to that conclusion would be to skip the "getting curious" part. What led up to the child saying that? Why is this child seeking power? How else can we fill their need to feel powerful? What is my role in this situation as the children's advocate and facilitator?
One of our "hats" as early childhood educators is being researchers of young children. We must look beneath the surface to decipher behaviors. We look at where a child is developmentally to see what else could be going on. We look at the situation as a whole because this phrase is always said in a social situation.
Parents will flag this phrase as something to be concerned about. Rightly so, they are their child's primary advocates. If their child was on the receiving end of this phrase, they may even think that the child who said it has "bully" tendencies. (By the way, I wish adults wouldn't foist this label on young children but that is a whole other blog topic.)
Generally speaking, I overhear this phrase many times a week when children are playing. Different children will say it. Children who have been on the receiving end of this phrase will say it. Children who are generally more meek and compliant will say it. Boys and girls will say it. Since so many children will use this phrase at one point or another, let's look at some of the most common situations in which it is said, and what we can do about them.
WHEN A BIRTHDAY IS APPROACHING...
Birthdays are very special. Young children know this. The birthday child is celebrated and gets to be the center of attention. Leading up to this day there could be more talk amongst the children about a birthday party. The soon-to-be birthday child gets to hold court over each detail, the theme of the party, what kind of cake will be there, and whether there will be a bouncy house or some other desirable bonus. They will have their friends and classmates in rapt attention, and it feels GOOD.
Many a child will use this opportunity to hand-pick who gets to come to their birthday party, even if in reality that wouldn't be the case. Or they may declare, "If your favorite color is purple then you can come to my birthday party!" I've seen children whose favorite color is certainly NOT purple raise their hand excitedly to be included. There are many variations on this theme, for example, "If you have mac 'n cheese then you can come to my party" (said at lunchtime) or "If you like Spiderman then you can come to my party," etc.
When I hear this, I stay close to observe the reaction it elicits. I usually don't intervene unless a child protests the message or looks like they need an advocate. In fact, I prefer to wait until a child protests before stepping in because it is more meaningful to facilitate problem solving when there is an actual disagreement, rather than just imposing what I think is the "right" way and assuming the children need to learn a lesson.
If no one protests and everyone is happy to play the "If you like _______ then you can come to my party" game then must we stop that from happening? After all, everyone has a birthday so why not allow every child to have that opportunity to feel powerful?
WHEN THERE ARE HURT FEELINGS...
This is when I will most often hear a child say this phrase, usually as a last resort in a situation where a child gets hurt emotionally and wishes to reclaim power. They will say this no matter if their birthday is on the horizon. They say this the same way an adult would give a threat or an ultimatum. Remember that young children are inelegent in their language, lack filters, and are reactive, so in an emotionally-charged situation these words can provide the weapon (these words are "cutting" in voicing displeasure) and the armor (I can say this to end this conversation on a powerful note - mic drop!)
How do we help in this situation? The one who said it needs support, and the one it is said to may also have hurt feelings and need support. Hopefully, you were close enough to notice what led up to these words being used so you can help the children involved to express their feelings and needs more precisely. As in, "I noticed that you were disagreeing on how to play this game. You both have different ideas. You looked frustrated when you said, 'You can't come to my birthday party.' Then that made you (to the other child) sad. Let's talk about it."
Underlying these words are always feelings, and if we can help children to identify and name the feelings and the reasons for them, then we will be closer to working through the problem. Like Marc Brackett says, "If you name it, you can tame it."
AS A WAY TO NEGOTIATE AN OUTCOME...
Children are great negotiators. They may get a lot of practice negotiating with their parents at home, pushing boundaries as they do, which is completely developmentally-appropriate. In school they may also get to negotiate with teachers and peers.
I see this as a positive thing because many children these days experience agency. They make choices in school and at home. They get to voice their opinions and have their preferences considered. They are more "visible" and appreciated than young children of the past.
So it shouldn't come as a surprise that they will use this phrase as a negotiating tool. Many times I have overheard this phrase said to gain something from someone else, for example, "If you don't let me play with the _______ then you can't come to my party." Or, stated in the affirmative, "If you let me _______ then you can come to my party." In either case, this is the beginning of learning how to enter into a mutually agreeable social contract.
Sometimes it can be personally triggering to witness the social negotiations of young children. One child can appear to have all the power while the other is desperate to gain it. We may be tempted to label a child manipulative which carries a value judgement. Instead, let's remember that these children are really young and immature, cognitively and experientially. Remember this mantra: They are doing the best they can with the tools they have. With this in mind, we can help children to practice communication, empathy, and compassion by helping them to see different perspectives.
This phrase isn't going away. We can be annoyed or exasperated by it, or we can turn these situations into curriculum. We can accept that children will always seek out ways to feel powerful and find opportunities to empower them. We can practice active listening to get to the root of a problem and teach how to make repairs after hurting someone's feelings. We can foster the understanding that relationships require a give-and-take approach which will be a lifelong practice.
When you hear this phrase time and time again, you will know it has little to do with an actual birthday party. It's a signal, a clue, a symptom of an unmet need or desire. It's communication, so how will you respond?
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