Let's face it, working with young children is as challenging as it is wonderful and rewarding. Many of us are 'good' with children, but what sets educators apart from the average parent, babysitter, or caregiver? What is the point of education anyway? Take a moment to reflect on why you entered this field. Please take another moment to understand why you are still here today.
Hopefully, your reflections point to your desire to help children grow and blossom into the most healthy of individuals and to honor this special and critical time in one's life. Now, let's figure out how to connect your reasons to your practice. Undoubtedly, this is the hard part.
First things first: How well do you understand child development? If you are working in a group setting you are a researcher in a laboratory, and every experience with children helps you to amass data on how children really are. Textbooks are one thing, and our direct experiences enhance our knowledge. If you are a lifelong learner (and many of us claim to be), you will continue to learn because 'best practices' evolve. A deep understanding of child development must inform our practice. When we understand child development, we will no longer view challenging behaviors as manipulation or things that are done to us. We will recognize behaviors as unmet and developmental needs and support accordingly.
Another understanding that is equally important is our self-understanding. Have you done the work to identify your personal triggers and know their origins? We can have the best of intentions, but past trauma can prevent us from responding consciously and with the best interest of the children in mind. Without realizing, many of us can also slip into teaching the way we were parented without considering its impact because it was our first model of how adults are with children.
Now, let's consider our role as advocates for children. Our work is advocacy, and every action sends a message. Inaction also sends messages. Do your actions or inactions say...
...you must control the school day because you know best.
...your class will 'look' better if you avoid situations where children will have conflict and off-the-wall energy.
...you don't want to make mistakes.
...you operate from fear and worry.
OR
...you believe children are capable and competent.
...you believe children are doing the best they can with the tools they have.
...you trust in the natural unfolding of child development.
...you value mistakes as a vehicle for growth and learning.
...you accept where children are developmentally.
Reflect often to see that your teaching practice is aligned with your beliefs.
You may have noticed that the blog title refers to 'age-appropriate' challenging behaviors. This is because there are typical age-appropriate behaviors, for example, loud and messy children, dumping bins of toys out, not following routines like cleaning up, and exclusionary/power play. Should you observe behaviors that are more out of the norm then it could be time to check in with your administration and specialists for further evaluation.
THE RISK IN AVOIDING RISK
Supervision is paramount in an ECE setting, but that doesn't look like hovering over the children or removing all risk from every situation. That would be impossible to do. There are many play researchers out there with great explanations of why we must support risky play, and the gist of it is that enabling children to practice thoughtful risk-taking with calm and supportive adults is far more valuable than focusing on preventing all harm. In fact, one could argue it is more harmful to shelter children from slightly risky scenarios and then send them out into the world to figure it out on their own.
To me, risky play isn't just physical big-body play. It's risky for a child to ask someone to play because they might say no. It's risky to ask for a turn with a toy for the same reason. It's risky to explain why you want to be the mom in the story when your playmates have already said you're the baby. Young children can learn how to communicate needs & wants, advocate for themselves, and learn how to repair relationships after a mistake...when we let them practice.
So much of what we do as teachers is introduce thinking routines and foundational attitudes towards learning. By avoiding situations where children can argue, cry, struggle, negotiate, and more, we are not equipping them with critical skills that will serve them for a lifetime. You have such an influential role; how will you be there for the children?
FRAMEWORK FOR SOCIAL PROBLEM-SOLVING
Children learning how to get along with others in early childhood is THE curriculum, and there is ample practice to be had in a group setting. Remember that you have the opportunity to help children to gain valuable life skills and set them up to become adults who know how to communicate needs and wants, listen to others with empathy, and make repairs after hurtful actions or words. Conflict is the norm in early social situations. Practice is how children will get better at problem solving conflicts. Giving grace when mistakes happen is how children will know we are on their side no matter what.
Over the years I have learned different strategies for problem solving with children and it continues to evolve. I've learned by watching other teachers, asking them questions, observing children, trying strategies, and reflecting on my experiences. At the root of a social conflict is a need to be seen, heard, and understood, no matter one's age. The more we practice this framework with children, the easier it gets.
Stop the harm: Without anxiously hovering (it helps to get to children's level as a default position to join their world and to convey calm), be available and ready to block a hit, a bite, squeezing, pinching, hurtful words, etc.
Check for injuries and give aid and comfort.
Be there for EVERYONE: Our words, body language, and facial expression will say whose side we are on. Children who did the hurtful behavior also need comfort and support. We must withhold judgment to help all involved.
State what you saw plainly: "I saw that you were both wanting the same bike. You both started pulling on the handlebars and got upset. Then I saw a hit. Can you tell me what happened?"
Validate feelings: Give children a chance to explain. Listen for the feelings underneath. Find a way to relate to all involved.
Ask for solutions: This part takes the longest, and we should strive to give it time. Too often adults rush in with a fix, but this is precisely the work we want children to practice. Allow children to contribute possible solutions to try. If they need help then I offer my suggestions.
Try a solution: Sometimes the first solution works, and sometimes we can go through many possible solutions. Give children time to work through conflict so they can see that it's hard work but also rewarding. Aim for win-win outcomes, but realize that not every situation gets wrapped up neatly.
Reflect on experiences: Reflecting on experiences help us to learn and grow. Wait until strong feelings have passed to do this so the brain is ready to learn.
Here is an example of what that could look like with preschoolers...
Teacher sees two children pulling on a train and their faces are red and angry and one has started to cry. She approaches them at their eye level and says, "I see you are both wanting the train and you are feeling upset. I will hold it while we have a chat so we can figure this out together." Teacher takes the train and puts it behind her out of view. She puts her body in between both children to convey she is there for both of them equally.
Teacher: Can you tell me what happened? (Open-ended question with no preconceived judgment and no victimization of a child, as opposed to "What did he do to you?")
Child 1: Well, I want the train!
Child 2: Well, I had it first!
(Teacher listens with great interest and gently smiles at both children to encourage them to continue explaining.)
Child 1: It's my favorite train!
Teacher: (to Child 1) It's your favorite train. (Just reflecting children's own words back to them is very powerful and shows them you hear and understand their struggle.)
Child 2: Well, I'm playing with it!
Teacher: (to Child 2) You're playing with it. (Again, just reflecting the words back to the children.)
Silence as the children look to the teacher to solve the problem.
Teacher: This is tricky! There is only one train and both of you want to play with it. What can you do? Hmmm....
Child 1: Well, we could share! (They will often propose this as an initial solution.)
Teacher: Okay, but how? There is only one train. Who gets to go first?
Child 1: Me!
Teacher: (turns to Child 2) Does that work for you?
Child 2: NO!! (Okay, so the first solution didn't work, so it's back to thinking of possible solutions.)
Teacher: Yeah, this is tricky. There is only one train and you both want to play with it. (Teacher repeats the problem and gives time for the children to think of other solutions.)
At this point one of these scenarios are likely to happen...
One child volunteers to go second: In this situation the teacher might say, "(Child 1), thank you for being flexible and letting (Child 2) go first. (Child 2), remember that the plan is for you to give the train to (Child 1) when you're done. Thank you both for talking about the problem and solving it together. High-five!"
Both agree to play together with the train: Sometimes during the course of problem solving children will realize that they're no longer mad at each other and will arrive at this plan. The teacher might say, "That is wonderful news. It's not easy to share a toy, so thank you both for explaining how you feel and making it work."
Ask for more toys: Maybe they know there are other trains in the supply closet. While the goal isn't just to provide more toys to eliminate conflict, we can try this solution as a way to accommodate both children. The teacher might say, "Right, we do have more trains in the closet and I can bring out another one. It won't be the same kind of train and you may both want the new train, but we can always talk about it. I'll be right back with another train."
One child runs away: In simple terms, conflict activates our fight or flight response. Some conflicts are so overwhelming that one will literally run away from a problem. The child who flees needs space and time for working through uncomfortable emotions like anger, disappointment, and jealousy. As long as that child isn't hurting themselves or others it is okay to remain with the other child to continue the conversation. The teacher might say, "Ah, (Child 1) is feeling pretty upset about this. It looks like he needs some space to himself right now. Let's give him space and see if he will come back when he's ready. You can play with the train for now but when he comes back let's have another chat." The teacher makes a mental note to check in with the child who fled after a bit of time.
Both children stay upset: Depending on age, development, emotional bandwidth, and a host of other variables (Bad night's sleep? Too many other demands during the school day? Not enough time outdoors?) both children may remain very emotional which isn't the right time to problem solve. In this scenario the teacher provides comfort and acceptance. The teacher might say, "This is so hard. Both of you are feeling very upset about this. I am here for you both. It's hard to problem solve when everyone's upset." The teacher might offer another way to connect with both children to ride out their feelings, for example, reading a book together or going outside to run around. The teacher would revisit problem solving when both children are in a more emotionally-regulated state. Sometimes when the teacher revisits a problem the children have already moved on, and that's okay! There will be many, many other opportunities to practice solving problems together.
Now, what about a child who has hurt another child? In many ways the process will be similar to the train scenario above. After the hurt child is cared for the teacher would engage both children in conversation.
State observations and ask for explanations: "I saw you both tugging on the train and then I saw a hit. Can you tell me what happened?"
Validate feelings: "You both really want the train."
Ask for solutions: "Instead of hitting to get the train, what else can you do?"
NEW STEP! Practice making repairs after hurtful actions or words: "How can you help ______ to feel better? Can you think of some ways?" Sometimes, no solution will work. It's a hard (but valuable) lesson that we can always apologize for our actions but our apology may not be accepted when we give it. One great thing about young children is they usually do forgive pretty quickly.
Children don't need long explanations on why hitting isn't ok after they've received that message over and over again. They do need reassurance that we are there to listen and understand and that we love and support them no matter what.
While there is no magic bullet when it comes to guiding challenging behaviors there is one tool that will strengthen our efficacy as a teacher: strong collaborative relationships with our students. When combined with the knowledge of child development ages & stages and our own self-understanding (knowing what triggers us and why) we can be empowered to view challenging behaviors as opportunities to grow with the children.
There are no tricks and no easy fixes. We have to get out of our comfort zone to grow, and that means taking steps, however small and clumsy, towards practicing what we say we believe. We have to care for the young human beings in front of us and treat them with respect and care even when it's tough. We don't need to know exactly what to say or do. Children don't need us to be perfect, but they need us to try.
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