This was me when I was about 3 years old. I was the first-born, the responsible one, the good girl who listened and obeyed. In my early years I was convenient and compliant, an "easy" child by all accounts.
I was labeled shy which meant I heard that used a lot as an excuse as to why I didn't do one thing or another. More extraverted peers got the attention in school and in other social situations. Not that I minded personally, because I was content to be the friend of more vivacious and magnetic peers, a pattern that would follow me for most of my adult life.
It seems that society values the outspoken ones and the ones that make friends easily. That just didn't come naturally to me. In my teenage years I longed for more attention even though I didn't want to be the center of attention. I wished to be recognized for my outward appearance over my inner beauty. I wanted to be the cool girl rather than the smart girl. These dichotomies made for some great teenage angst.
When I became a teacher I naturally fell into the role of the facilitator, the "guide on the side" rather than the "sage on the stage." That philosophy was a better fit for me than being someone who commanded and demanded attention from her class. Instead, I used my natural inclination to observe to get to know individual children, how they preferred to operate and engage with others, and how I could encourage connection and growth on their terms.
From time to time parents would ask me whether it was normal for their child to have a hard time making friends and entering play. They worried that their shy child was at a disadvantage over their more fearless peers. They described going to birthday parties where their child stayed close to them the entire time. They apologized for the times their child didn't say hi or make eye contact in the morning when they arrived to school.
To all of the worried parents, I say this: There is nothing wrong with your child. The world needs all kinds of people. Your introverted child has gifts to share, same as the extraverted ones. They are gifted in ways that are harder to recognize because they are not shouting from the rooftops. Their gifts unfold over time, and those who are in a hurry to see them may miss the remarkable journey within the child that is happening right now.
IMAGINATION & CREATIVITY
I can't speak for every introvert, but I know a lot of my lived experiences were and are in my imagination. Whereas some people live out loud, I live within. I have a vivid imagination and a colorful mind. I am content to entertain myself through a world of my creation. Where ever I went I had myself and that was plenty for me.
OBSERVATION SKILLS
For many shy and "slow to warm up" children, their first way of connecting to the outside world is through observing. They notice small details and patterns in how people operate. In fact, they will often notice things about others that aren't so noticeable. They will know which lunchbox belongs to which classmate and be the one to alert a teacher when a child gets hurt because they noticed it first.
SELF-AWARENESS
Many introverted children and people I know have a great understanding of themselves. If given the opportunity to be seen and celebrated, they will continue to grow into strong individuals with a strong inner compass. They know who they are and what they want to work on, and because they are grounded in who they are as a person they will not be as easily swayed by outside influences. They are authentic to others and to themselves.
SOCIAL EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
Introverted children will often have deep and strong feelings whether or not they are apparent on the outside. Some of them can be considered highly sensitive. They can be remarkably attuned to the feelings of others. They are great listeners and offer care and warmth in individualized ways. They are good friends who can recognize when someone is hurting and offer emotional support.
INNER DETERMINATION
To those who are worried about their child missing out on this thing or that thing due to their introverted nature, be patient. In the early years we are too preoccupied with milestones and timelines. We adults can think it's our job to push development along or else it won't happen. Just remember that we can't make children grow anymore we can make plants grow. We can simply provide love, care, understanding, and the right conditions for growth and wait patiently.
Introverted children will show you when they are ready. They will make friends when they are ready and have found their "tribe." They will take the spotlight when they are ready. They will try new things when they are ready. And because they will be ready when this happens, they will be unstoppable in pursuing their goals and dreams. It bears mentioning that introverts need encouragement and support same as everybody else, but oftentimes gentle nudges work better as a strategy over outright demands.
Even if the world gives more attention to extraverts, being an introvert has not prevented me from having relationships and opportunities in life. I am not always quiet. I love connecting with others, from people watching to small gatherings. I can speak passionately about teaching young children in front of an audience. Introverts can be a natural fit for servant leadership.
Just like we are now giving attention to neurodiversity in humans, we could also be looking at these differences in personality and recognizing the value and contributions of each human being. Introversion isn't something to change; it is simply a preference for how one engages with the world.
If you have an introvert to love, make sure they have time to rest, reflect, and recharge. If you are an introvert, I see you, I appreciate you, and keep on keeping on.
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