Allow me to share a cautionary tale: When I first started teaching I was paired up with a more seasoned teacher who already had solid relationships with many of the families. Naturally, this teacher took the lead on communicating with them. One day, this teacher wasn't there and I had to communicate something difficult that happened with a child to his parents.
It did not go over well.
I made the rookie mistake of NOT prioritizing family engagement because I relied on someone else to be the expert in that arena. I did not lay the foundation of getting to know family members to be a more effective teacher. This family's first interaction with me was about something negative, which led to a negative impression even if I meant well. This experience taught me a lesson: Family engagement is an important part of my job, as important as the work I do with the children.
When we cultivate relationships with families, we can mitigate many of the problems that arise in school. Families need education, communication, and support. They are exhausted and stressed and also need compassion and understanding.
Here are some simple ways to engage families in school life, and later on I will discuss strategies to help you through challenging conversations.
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Fill their 'bucket': Some of us have started to use this term to describe the little things we do to show someone appreciation, love, and kindness. When someone's bucket is full they are more resilient and able to take on challenges. When someone's bucket is empty they are more likely to be stressed, overwhelmed, and reactive.
We can fill family members' buckets by regularly sharing stories about their child: "I watched Maribel play with Magna-Tiles all day long! She is very interested in building as high as she can and she spent a lot of time building with friends. She was very flexible and included a lot of her friends' ideas."
Why? Sharing stories about their child shows you are paying attention and know who their child is. You are as excited as they are about watching their child grow and make a point to reach out to share about their child's growth and interests.
Check in: Some family members can bristle at a teacher asking for a moment to chat because they have been conditioned to think it means their child did something wrong. We can counteract this notion by regularly and warmly checking in with no ulterior motives: "Hi _______. How are you today? Just wanted to let you know I'm available if you need anything."
Why? With only a few moments of your time, you can use this quick ritual to open the lines of communication. We want parents to view us as resources and not just as the deliverer of bad news.
Ask for input / feedback: We place a lot of emphasis on community in early education, so we must be open to hearing from those in our community. Families come with many experiences, skills and strengths to enrich a program, so why not reach out to benefit from their expertise? A common worry about this strategy is that it might open the floodgates to unwelcome advice, but we can always set boundaries around this process or simply reply with, "Thank you for suggesting ________. I appreciate your input."
Why? When family members are asked for input/feedback they feel valued, a sense of purpose, and a greater connection to the school.
Provide opportunities to get involved: Most family members do not have time to be a part of the school day through volunteering, so here are some other ways for them to contribute...
...Bring in donations that the school needs, such as recycled/reusable materials and old pots and pans for play.
...Assume a role in a fundraising initiative: Maybe you know someone who is a whiz at spreadsheets or at pounding the pavement to drum up donations. Why not play to families' strengths and invite their involvement?
...Weekend cleanups: Family members may be willing to contribute time outside of school hours for beautification projects, organizing and sorting tasks, and other school to-do's. Bonus points if children can be involved or you can provide childcare as they work because that is a barrier to being able to participate.
Why? We want all families to feel like they have a stake in the success of their child's school. By providing a variety of opportunities to get involved, we can tap into this underutilized resource AND help families to feel connection and pride towards their child's school.
Give bite-sized education: A lot of what happens in early childhood can be mystifying for families. They may be experts on their child but we are experts on child development. We have a lot of knowledge and experience to help families to understand and value early childhood and the work that we do. We can be proactive about sharing what we know so that families gain understanding about child development, thereby reducing worry and shame when typical age-appropriate challenges arise.
Examples: "At this age many children enjoy rough-and-tumble play. They like to chase and bump up against each other in their games. They are learning how to set boundaries and agreements, and what to do when someone accidentally gets hurt. This is how I facilitate that kind of play..." OR, "Joseph isn't very interested at the moment in coming to the table to draw and write. We will continue to invite him over to try different activities and offer other ways for him to develop fine motor skills. He plays with play dough a lot which is fantastic for this skill. Does he play with play dough at home, too?"
Why? Educating family members will help to prevent problems that arise when their expectations are out of line with child development.
Get to know extended family members: You may meet many family members from a single family. I always make a point of getting to know nannies/babysitters, grandparents, siblings, and even Auntie from Ohio who is in town visiting. By extending an atmosphere of welcome to all family members we can enhance the feeling of connection and belonging which translates powerfully into trust and safety.
Why? Because it take a village.
Now, let's talk about strategies that help you to communicate challenging behaviors or situations. This is an inevitable part of our job as teachers, and we can approach these occasions with more courage and understanding when we use these strategies.
Caveat: These strategies can help ONLY when we have already laid the groundwork of regularly connecting with families (see strategies above).
Also, it is important to know which family members are the ones to check in with about challenging events and behaviors. Some families do not wish for grandma to hear about her grandson having yet another potty accident, or to relay a biting incident to their occasional babysitter. It's best to clarify who should be contacted in these instances.
Injuries and hurtful behaviors: Many behaviors are very troubling to hear about, even if they are typical in early childhood. Hitting, pushing, grabbing toys out of another child's hands, biting, unkind words, all of these behaviors can trigger guilt, shame, and anger in family members. They may feel helpless and look to you for guidance. We must maintain our calm when communicating these events/issues and hold space for the family members to express their thoughts and emotions. We must remember that stressed adults also need grace and support.
Biting incidents are generally viewed as more egregious than the other acts mentioned, even though they are common occurrences in early childhood. Both the child who bites and the child who is bitten require us to check in with family members. Your school has a policy on how to communicate these incidents, including how to word things on your 'Ouch' Reports, for example, omitting names and stating the facts plainly. Beyond that, your school's policy will dictate when and how to communicate an injury.
In my experience, leaning into the discomfort of communicating an incident person-to-person is better than just sending a note home in a backpack that may get lost in the shuffle. While the goal is NOT to inundate family members with info about every little injury that happens throughout a school day (think skinned knees or a paper cut), we must be forthcoming in communicating so that trust remains in the the midst of stressful situations.
Sometimes it is not possible to check in with someone in person so a phone call is necessary. Ideally, we are not leaving long winded messages when we are emotionally heightened ourself. For example, you could say on a voicemail, "Hi (Name of family member). (Name of child) is OK, but I'm calling to let you know she fell off of the monkey bars. She fell on her side and scraped her left arm. We checked to see she could move around without pain and we will continue to monitor how she's doing. She's such a trooper and went right back to practicing on the monkey bars! Please let us know if you have any questions." Before I begin a phone call I jot down bullet points to remember key points and to stay concise, and make sure I'm emotionally regulated (lots of deep breaths and confidence-building mantras).
Note that we must ALWAYS start by saying their child is OK if their child is indeed OK. When parents get phone calls from the school it is highly stressful and they may envision worst case scenarios otherwise.
Face-to-face check-ins work best if there is an opportunity to do so. When face-to-face, we can communicate many things non-verbally: compassion, empathy, and a feeling of 'we are in this together.' That goes a long way in helping family members to feel supported.
Parent/teacher conferences: I know how hard we all work to provide families with a well-rounded view of their child in school. During conference time, we share about each student's strengths and areas of growth. We all have them, right? However, remember that these meetings can create stress and anxiety for attending family members. We don't know if they had previous negative experiences at conferences or about their struggles at home which may lead them to receive info through a negative lens.
Follow this one rule: NOTHING SHOULD COME AS A SURPRISE AT CONFERENCE TIME. Families should never be hearing about an issue for the first time when you meet for a conference. You should have already shared info along the way about a pattern of behavior, a struggle, or a concern. The conference is meant to be a continuation of a discussion with the family members about their child. No one, and I mean NO ONE likes to be blindsided.
Another thing to have prepared: How you plan to address any issue/behavior and how you will keep them posted. Also pick the brains of the attending family members. They will have insight about their home life and they will feel empowered by this gesture to problem solve with you.
Every incident or injury creates a lot of stress for teachers and it impacts you day and night, and not just during working hours. I urge you to stay connected with families even through challenging moments and feeling unnoticed or unappreciated. I encourage you to rise above potential knee-jerk reactions from family members to maintain professional composure. I can't tell you how many times a family member lost their cool with me and then later returned to apologize. Of course I don't want to be anyone's punching bag, but I find that when I remain professional and warm-hearted throughout heated situations that it reassures families I am someone they can rely upon.
My advice, to borrow from The 4 Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, is to not take things personally. It's not easy, but it can be done when we train ourselves to view situations objectively and through a compassionate and empathetic lens. All 4 agreements are very helpful rules to live by.
We are in a heart-centered field, and we are not immune to getting our feelings hurt. Still, when a family member is upset and I am feeling criticized and judged, I remind myself that they are overwhelmed by stress and worry and are not able to access their "upstairs brain," to borrow an idea from Dr. Dan Siegel. Just like we do with the children, we can hold space for their feelings while sharing our understanding and calm. Even adults need help co-regulating.
Remember that you are not alone. It's always advisable to loop in your admins about your experiences with family members. They may want to document certain situations for everyone's protection. They may have advice about how to connect with a family member. They may ask to sit in on future meetings to ensure you have an advocate in your corner.
Takeaways: To be effective early childhood educators we must prioritize family engagement. When we have supportive relationships with families we can avoid many problems down the road. We must view care and education as a shared goal. ❤️
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