A major developmental task in early childhood is learning how to get along with others and making friends. For many of our preschoolers, this is the first time they are spending a large portion of their day in a group setting with more structure than they are used to. It may be the first time they are practicing waiting for a turn, sharing materials, and building self-help skills such as putting on shoes or opening a string cheese for lunch. All of this is hard work indeed!
It’s no surprise that young children’s friendships can be instrumental in building confidence in one’s ability to tackle all of these “firsts." It is comforting to have someone by your side to play with, share laughs, soothe tears, and discuss common interests. What can be so perplexing is how fluid these early friendships can be, and the emotional whiplash from these developing friendships often send parents into panic mode. I understand because I see the way friendships unfold over and over, year after year. Rest assured, you are not alone in wondering about early childhood friendships. In the spirit of demystifying these first friendships, here are some common themes that I see in preschool, what each could mean, and what we can do about it.
BFFs: When a child finally finds an anchor in a “best” friend, that is a precious thing. However, it can also be a double-edged sword. For example, children may not yet understand that it is okay to have more than one friend at a time, and that including other friends in play or choosing not to play with a best friend does not mean that the friendship is over. Young children are still quite rigid in their thinking, and more experienced peers and adults can model all the different ways in which we can be inclusive, have different ideas, and still remain friends.
Power Players: For many of the children their language is developing at a rapid rate. Oftentimes at this point children are also playing with cause and effect. They are realizing the power of words, and may use words to positive or negative effect. After all, in their few years of living on planet Earth, young children are often not in charge of their day, and who doesn’t like to feel powerful and in control? Young children often need an adult to help them think through the consequences of their words and actions, and even though it’s hard to witness or hear about, children’s experiments with power pose opportunities for us to instill empathy and compassion (validating how something might feel on one child’s side as well as on the friend’s side), think of prosocial (helpful) ways of relating to others, and learn strategies needed for the inevitable repair resulting from uttering unkind words.
Girls vs. Boys: Children at this age believe that most things fit neatly into a category, i.e. girls have long hair and boys have short hair, or boys like Star Wars and girls like Frozen. They find camaraderie with people who are the “same," and gender is often an easy way for children to form a group alliance. There is nothing wrong with having a strong preference for playing with one’s own gender, but bias is something to be aware of because it can limit opportunities to get to know different kinds of people. We can help to challenge stereotypes, help children to notice different and positive attributes for every person, and encourage thinking beyond simple categories.
Fast and Furious: Young children’s unstructured play is often spontaneous, exciting, and fun because they are in charge of how they play. With friends, a child might play a “scary” game such as good guys vs. bad guys, or pretend to die and be revived, over and over. Children use dramatic play to make sense of the world and to play out uncomfortable and perilous scenarios in order to express fears and feel “brave." This is typical, developmentally appropriate, and full of learning! However, games can quickly escalate where agreed upon rules go out the window, and someone ends up getting scared, or hurt. This may sound all too familiar to you. This may even be frustrating, and we may be tempted to ban playing a certain game or with a certain friend. In my experience, forbidding something can drive children to be sneaky about their play. The reason why some children play the same scenario over and over is because they are trying hard to understand it, and it is helpful for adults to be involved to facilitate problem solving. Bumps along the way are to be expected, and hurt feelings can be talked about. What is important is the dialogue that we have with children to help them to practice the values that we wish for them to have as a friend.
This is by no means an exhaustive list of themes in early childhood friendships, but it is a starting point to understanding how young children think and do, and why. Other things to consider when addressing a challenging social interaction is to think of one’s basic needs and if they are being met. Is the child tired, hungry, thirsty, sick, or needs to go to the bathroom? Does the child need a hug or some alone time? When one or more needs are not met, that can certainly influence behavior. One more thing, it is tempting to want to solve a disagreement on the spot, but sometimes it it better to wait. Have you ever tried to reason with someone who is throwing a tantrum or falling apart? Give the child time to express feelings before broaching the subject in a collaborative manner. It is important and useful for children (and adults!) to practice reflecting on experiences in order to gain perspective and practice problem solving.
We all want children to be a “good friend." We all know that friendships can weather stressful situations and misunderstandings. It will take young children time to learn the nuances of friendship, just like we are all still learning. The takeaway here is that there is no easy path to successful friendships, and that being friends means that we can make mistakes and still be loved, and that is a powerful lesson for us fallible humans.
Comments