I recently found the above image on the web and it took me straight back to my childhood. I had the whole series of books when I was about 7 years old. I read them often and liked them, as far as I can recall.
Now, I am horrified by its manipulation and emphasis on helping children "be good."
These books are nothing new. For a long time parents and teachers have used books to teach children how to behave. Characters and situations illustrate 'correct' ways of behaving in contrast with 'incorrect' ways. Things are always presented as a binary choice. Choose to do A or B, and one of them is 'good' and the other is 'bad.'
There is something critically missing when we present life situations as only leading to binary choices. We are not machines programmed to operate in this way and most situations are much more nuanced.
Let's take these books for what they are: tools that help adults to coerce children into compliance.
This post isn't here to shame those who read these kinds of books. The above book What Should Danny Do? is a popular book these days and children seem to enjoy reading it. The problem is that while it appears to promote "the power to choose," what it actually does is promote people pleasing. When children read these books with adults and choose 'correctly' they are rewarded with praise. Choose 'incorrectly' and they are likely to get a lecture on why the other choice is the 'good' one.
Those of us who regularly work with young children will have noticed that while children can choose the 'correct' choice in hypothetical situations, it's much more challenging to choose the 'correct' choice when it's real life. A big part of this is due to development; cognitively speaking, preschool-aged children can recall and repeat back rules when asked, they can identify when others are not abiding by said rules, but they are not yet able to apply the same to themselves in authentic situations. For this reason, these books do little to further development and learning in early childhood.
Another reason these books miss the mark is because they neglect to address children's age-appropriate impulsivity and emotional/developmental needs. Some children bite at this age because of a sensory need, a lack of language to communicate, or as an emotional response. Many children will hit in a variety of social situations. Older preschoolers will use 'bad' words to feel powerful and to communicate displeasure. None of this indicates that a child is 'bad.' They are simply clues to where a child is needing support.
So what can we do instead? We can forget quick fixes and instead focus on cultivating a collaborative relationship with children. Listen first. Listen often and listen to understand. Make sure our assumptions about early childhood and learning is rooted in understanding child development. Realize that children's actions are a reflection of their development and not of us as their caregivers. Be conscious of our own triggers and do the work to grow our self-understanding so we can better manage our own feelings and stress. Share our own struggles and model repair after making mistakes. Give grace when children make mistakes so that they feel supported to try, try again.
The point is, life isn't as simple as these books paint them to be. Let's recognize that learning new skills takes lots of time and practice for humans of all ages, especially young humans for whom everything is new learning. No need to toss these books out, but recognize their limitations. Books are great resources for opening up conversation and sharing different perspectives. Lastly, remember that what a struggling human needs most is kindness, and giving kindness is as much for ourselves and it is for others.
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