Recently, I was asked this question by a preschooler. It wasn't the first time I had heard this question and it won't be the last. In the first years of life children are just developing their sense of self, learning about categories and how to sort things and people into these categories. Their framework often begins rigidly and with time and experience becomes more flexible to accommodate new learning.
I believe I was asked this question due to my atypical haircut. I have short pieces in the front and sides and long pieces in the back. When my hair is tied back into a ponytail I appear to have short hair from the front and long hair from the back. I guess this was enough ambiguity to elicit this question.
When I was asked this question I replied, "I am a girl." That was it, and the child was satisfied with my answer and moved on. I didn't feel offended and the preschooler didn't mean to offend. It was a genuine question that showed me she was trying to understand and know me. I didn't try to elaborate and turn it into a teachable moment. Sometimes the most direct answer is the most powerful. There is nothing else to obfuscate the message, no hidden agenda to unravel.
This question did get me thinking anew about identity and gender. I don't subscribe to beliefs about traditional gender roles and am still actively unlearning deep-seated messages about how women and men are supposed to be. There continues to be a disparity between the way women and men are treated and it begins with the messages that young children receive from the very beginning of life.
One time a parent asked for a meeting to discuss how often her daughter was called cute on the way to school. She implored the staff to stop commenting on her child's appearance because her daughter was hearing this from people virtually all day long, at the park, the market, and other public places. It was an impactful moment for me as a person and educator. I started to think about how we perpetuate harmful stereotypes without even realizing. While well meaning, when we comment on how fast and strong boys are and how sweet and cute girls are we are doing them a disservice. ALL children can be fast, strong, sweet, and cute, just not all the time or all at the same time. They contain multitudes.
Throughout my work as a teacher I've 'poked holes' in the children's logic when it came to expanding their view of identity. When a child states that girls have long hair there is usually a teacher or classmate that I can point to to contradict that belief. When a child says that only boys like Star Wars I can always find a Star Wars loving girl to challenge that notion. Real people and real stories break stereotypes.
The new discourse on gender and identity is tied to emerging societal values. Values are inextricably a part of generational beliefs. We are now teaching Gen Alpha students in early education. The oldest in this cohort are just entering their teenage years. It remains to be seen which values they will bring into adulthood and which they will cast aside as outdated. My own Gen Z children are very accepting of individual differences and are passionate about the platinum rule, treating others the way those folks want to be treated. They are compassionate toward others and prioritize personal wellbeing. They are not afraid of divergent thinking.
Meanwhile, I am still making mistakes when this topic comes up. Where I live many parents are socially liberal and their children's outward appearance can reflect that and look very eclectic. I've been corrected by children as young as two years old when I've addressed them by the wrong pronoun. I would always thank them for letting me know. Equally important, I believe them when they tell me who they are. I've also been corrected by the friends of children who I misidentified. They would say, "He's a boy. You called him 'she'." They are showing me these details matter a great deal. These young people advocate for one another without being prompted. Doesn't that demonstrate the very respect and empathy we all want them to have?
Gender and identity can be a challenging topic for many teachers and parents. Maybe it's not so hard to start using everyone's preferred pronouns, but treating gender identity as a fluid spectrum and a social construct may run counter to personal and cultural beliefs. Frankly, it goes against what I was taught growing up. Although it creates friction, a renewed examination of this topic can shed light on the evolution of humankind and what DEIB really means in practice.
I think it's okay to question and disagree AND still be an advocate for children. We have the immense responsibility and privilege of being role models and authenticity is paramount. We can say that we don't know or don't understand. We can model the willingness to listen and learn. It would be pure hubris to believe that we have everything all figured out.
I leave you to reflect on this quote by the late bell hooks: When we choose to love, we choose to move against fear, against alienation and separation. The choice to love is a choice to connect, to find ourselves in the other.
May we live and love like the children do. May we always choose love and connection over fear and alienation.
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